11 When Someone Undermines You

🎧 What to Do When Someone Undermines You | Joyfully Unstoppable Podcast

When someone undermines you—whether it’s a coworker taking credit for your work, spreading rumors, or trying to damage your credibility—it hurts. And it can leave you feeling shaken, angry, or unsure of how to respond. In this episode of Joyfully Unstoppable, we walk through how to stay grounded, respond with integrity, and reclaim your power.

You’ll learn:
 🌿 How to regulate your nervous system after you’ve been undermined
 🌿 What to do with the emotions that surface (betrayal, anger, shame)
 🌿 How to reflect with clarity and decide whether any part of the criticism has merit
 🌿 How to deal with a coworker who undermines you directly—and how to handle it when it’s a stranger
 🌿 Real-life examples of undermining behavior and how to rise above it

Whether you’re facing a workplace challenge or just want to be prepared for the next one, this episode gives you a powerful roadmap forward.

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Transcript

0:06

Welcome to Joyfully Unstoppable, the podcast for women who are ready to lead boldly, live lightly, and reclaim their joy. Whether you're leading a team, a classroom, a boardroom, or your own big, beautiful life, I am so glad you found us. I'm your host, Becky Hamm, leadership coach, speaker and founder of Women Lead Well. After years of high level leadership, I discovered that success doesn't have to come at the cost of your peace, your values, or your wellbeing. Each week, we'll explore what it means to lead with clarity, confidence, and authenticity. Even in a world that tells you to hustle harder and prove your worth, you carry a lot. Let's help it feel lighter. Now friends, I was not intending to record this episode. it came to me so much so that somebody you just heard, like the ding in the background. I planned my episodes out. I've got episodes planned out until October. Because that's the kind of girl that I am. But as I was driving to get groceries, I had this idea for an episode and I just have to record it. And so for those of you watching me on YouTube, yes, I have the hairband around my wrist and I'm wearing my Willy Nelson have a Willy nice day t-shirt that I love so much because he is the greatest country music artist, male country music artist, uh, of that generation. Dolly Parton, of course, being the best woman. Can I say that? Do I think? I think yes. I think Dolly Parton. So, uh, what are we gonna talk about today We're gonna talk about what to do when someone undermines you. And again, I don't know why this came to me. I, well, I think I do know why it came to me. I was working with a, a coaching client, but. I feel like there's probably someone else out there who could benefit from this conversation. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna talk about, what do I mean by undermine you? What do you do when it's someone you know? What do you do when it's someone you actually don't even know who's tearing you down? And then, um, maybe some next steps after that. Again, I haven't thought this out terribly much. The idea came to me and I wanted to record, and the dogs are in the office today, so if you hear dog noises in the background, that's what's going on. This will be a less polished. My episodes are already pretty unpolished as I'm figuring out what I'm doing. This even less so than normal. So what do I mean by somebody is undermining you? Well, that can be a couple of things. With the clients that I work with, I really focus on. Joyful, sustainable, authentic leadership. And what does it mean to lead joyfully, sustainably, and authentically? Well, I'll tell you what it means. It means that you set some boundaries and you start saying no to work that is not yours, to do work that doesn't align with your values and your priorities. And that can ruffle some feathers, right? Particularly if you have spent decades over functioning, people pleasing, approval seeking. People can get unhappy when you stop prioritizing their needs over your own undermining. You can mean taking credit for your work, right? You have built an idea, you have done the ideation, you have done the prototyping, you have done the beta you have, and, and somebody else steals your idea and and sends it off as their own. Or it could just be somebody is spreading rumors and lies, just trash talking because some people. Are not nice, right? So undermining any of those scenarios and probably others comment, shoot me a dm. If you've got other examples from your own personal life, I would love to hear. So what do you do? Well, the first few steps I'm gonna say, it does not matter if you know the person, if you have a relationship with the individual, or if it's just some random malcontent on social media. Doesn't matter. First few steps are the same. Step number one. Is, I want you to regulate your nervous system. Do not do anything else before you've done that. You need to find your safety inside yourself as your first step to any follow on action. Okay? So what do I mean? I mean, I want you to get yourself to a place that's quiet. Someone has shared this information with you. Probably it felt like a kick in the gut. Never feels good to hear that people are talking bad about you or undermining you or. Or doing any of that. So, okay, you're gonna feel your feelings, that's step two. But step one, regulate your nervous system and feel safe in your body. So get yourself somewhere where you can do that. You'll probably be private, although you can do this in public too. And I want you to do your breathing. So what does that mean? That means breathe in through your nose. I like to breathe in for six. I like a big, huge inhale. But if four is all that feels comfortable to you, do that. So you breathe in, hold it at the top. Again, I hold it till I feel like my lungs are busting, but you do what works for you. If you breathe in for four, you can hold it for four, breathe in for six, hold it for six, and then I want you to exhale through your mouth for longer than you inhaled. So I breathe in for six, I hold it at the top and then through my mouth, just an easy breath out. That wasn't for eight, but it would be if I were doing this for real. Don't force the air outta your lungs. You just wanna open up your mouth and let the air come out of your lungs. This is easeful. It's telling your body that you're safe. You might yawn while you do this, and that is a great signal that your nervous system is regulating. The yawn is a good sign. So keep the breathing going for a minute or two, signaling safety to your body. And while you're doing that, you can't even think to yourself right now in this moment. I am safe right now, right here in this moment. I am safe. I might not like what had happened. I might not appreciate this person do. I might feel really yucky right now, but in this moment, I am safe. Regulate your nervous system first. That is step one. Step two is from that place of safety. Now I want you to go and feel your feelings. I got a dog scratching in the background. You can hear it. So what do I mean by feeling your feelings? I mean, you're gonna feel some kind of way if somebody is undermining you. Maybe that's betrayal because you thought you had a really good working relationship. You thought that person had your back. You thought you could rely on them, thought they understood you, whatever. Maybe it's anger totally legitimate in this moment. Maybe it's grief. Maybe it's shame.'cause there's some part of you that inner critic in the back of your brain that thinks that, oh. They caught me, right? They caught the imposter that I am. They really see that I'm not as good as I say I am or as other people think I am. Right? So you feel called out and the shame that is part of that, um, whatever the feeling is, I want you to feel it all the way down. This isn't wallowing. You're not gonna spend the next month feeling that feeling. But in the moment, once you've regulated your nervous system and you feel safe in your body, I want you to feel that feeling. We push feelings away. We repress them, we suppress them, and they stay stuck inside of us. If you wanna move on from this. You gotta metabolize the emotion, so you have to let yourself feel it. That's why the safety comes first.'cause you signal to your body, you have reminded your body on a nervous system level that it is safe, that it can feel this feeling without it being dangerous or threatening. So from a grounded place, you're gonna feel whatever is coming up, whatever those emotions are, let your body feel it. And then step three, once you've done that and not before, I want you to do the introspection and ask yourself, is there any there? There they said I was slacking. They said, I'm not committed. They said I what? Whatever it is that they were doing to under whatever they were saying about you. Whatever they're doing to undermine you. Go into the boss to, to clarify what she meant was, or whatever that is. Ask yourself, do I feel any truth in the allegation, in the claim, in the statement? Because maybe there is something there, right? That we, we. The hallmark of professionalism is our commitment to continued growth. And so maybe there is an opportunity for you to grow. It's not about our ego, right? It's about us living the fullest expression of our potential, and so maybe this is an opportunity for you to lean into your potential a little bit. I don't know. You do the introspection and you figure that out. Yeah. Now let's say that there is the opportunity for you to improve, that there was some truth when you did the introspection after you'd regulated your nervous system and felt your feelings from that grounded place, and you say, oh no. Yeah, huh. Oops, I really did mess something up. Or, I really didn't do my job. I really didn't fully fulfill why, what I should have done in this moment? Okay, well, what are you gonna do about it? How are you gonna make that right? Not with the person, but the work that needs to be done, right. The, the action that you need to take to live in integrity with yourself. Do it. And it doesn't matter if you know the person or you don't, you do that introspection. You take what you can from the input, right, from what they're doing to undermine you. You take what you can from it. If there's any validity. If there's no validity, then you don't do a thing, right? If, if your side of the street is clean, then your side of the street is clean, but if there, if you find some truth in what they're saying, well, in that at that moment, then you go and you make it right, right? For you, not for them, for you. Now this is where it branches. Do you know the person? Do you not know the person? If you know the person who's undermining you, then you absolutely. Can, and I'm gonna say, should go to them privately and say, Hey, I heard you said X. Hey, I hear you did blah, whatever it, whatever the action is that they're taking to undermine you. You never one time came to me to tell me whatever it is, right? I don't think that's not cool, that's not professional, that's not appropriate. So here I am. I'm coming to you to have this conversation with you privately because I am professional. I know how to handle myself, right? You said XI really thought about it, and I think whatever, like, yes, I, I agree with you on this point, and here's what I've done. Or I really thought about it and I just don't think you're right. Can we talk about this? Can we be grownups? And then you guys, hopefully, ideally you can have a conversation. And maybe there's something you misunderstood. Maybe there is some validity. They didn't say it right, but, but it, there's something there and you guys can work through it. Or maybe there's not, but at least that person knows that you are aware of what they're trying to do and that you ain't having it. That you're being a grownup about it. That you have shown up from a place of power at this point. Not just that you're grounded, but you're powerful.'cause you're looking in the eye, they were being cowardly. They didn't come to you, they went behind you. You're looking them in the eye and saying, I see you. I see what you're doing, and that, that's meaningful, that's powerful. And then they're gonna do whatever they're gonna do.'cause you don't control them, right? They're gonna, they might, maybe they continue to undermine you or try to undermine you, but as long as your side of that street is clean, it is amazing the number of times that the trash takes itself out. And this will be a self-correcting problem. And you don't have to put any more energy to it, right? You certainly shouldn't go behind their back. You shouldn't engage in the behavior that you know to be unprofessional and inappropriate and immature. Don't do that. You keep your side clean and you let them flame out.'cause they,'cause they will, I mean, they just do. Now you don't know the person. This is somebody on social media. This is somebody you've never met before. Do you take that step of reaching out to them privately to say, Hey, I heard you said this, or you're doing this. I mean, you can. I don't feel like you need to. That's gonna be up to you. I only recommend you engage someone you don't know if you can do it from a grounded place. From a place of integrity not to challenge them and call them out. Right? That you're doing that from an ego place. If you're trying to call them out, say like, I know what you did and you're wrong. You know you're weak, or you're what you know, no. If it's gonna be name calling and and counter accusations, that is not productive. That does not keep you in your worth. That keeps you wrapped in the drama. Unhelpful. So I would say if it's somebody you don't know. And if it's like out on social media, frankly me, I would just ignore it. I wouldn't give it one second's worth of energy after you've done that introspection. Right? Because if you do that introspection, and maybe because they don't know you, they are truly being objective. They're speaking from their own stories, right? They're speaking from their own history, their own trauma, and that's the lens through which they view you. But if you see after you've done that introspection that yeah, there is some. Some merit to what they're saying then okay, then you clean that up for yourself. Again, I don't think you have to reach out to that person to tell'em you've done that. You could if you wanted to, but again, only if you can do that from a place of true, grounded, both safety and and self-worth, that you're not doing it to knock them down a peg.'cause that helps you feel bigger. No, only if it's from a Hey, I just wanted to let you know, I heard that you were saying this. I really didn't appreciate the way you handled that. You didn't reach out to me in a DM or a, a message, or an email or anything to let me know. You thought you just blasted me on social media. That's kind of lame, but I want you to, I want you to know I really thought about it and, and I think like, I, I understand where you're coming from in this part and here's what I'm doing to address it. So don't like the way you did that, but thank you for helping me. Get better in this way. That's why I'm here. Right. And if they are just a troll and they're just looking to stir up drama, then, but whatever, I mean, that is what it is. But if it is that they had a sincere disagreement with something you were doing or something that you were saying or what, then you come in with both compassion, directness, honesty, but humility, then that's, that's how you build relationships, right? Then maybe that is an opportunity. Um. For you to to deal with this, metabolize it, wipe your hands of it, and move forward. Because when we don't take those steps, and I'm gonna wrap up here, when we don't take those steps to ground into our safety to. To take a moment and feel the feelings that come up when someone is undermining us or talking trash about us when we don't take the opportunity. This is a true opportunity to do that introspection, to see if there's any place where we need to grow, because that, that's how we get better is through grow. Not people telling us how awesome we are, but by us figuring out where we can level up. And again, they might not have handled it in the right way, but if they're identifying an opportunity to level up, then that's great. Then take it, man, do it. So when you do that, and then depending, right, maybe, maybe you get to repair a relationship, at the very least you get to signal from your strength. You don't scare me. You don't weaken me. I heard you've been doing this. I don't appreciate it. I really thought about it, and here's where I come down on it. What you are signaling is I'm strong, I am grounded. You don't scare me'cause I'm coming to you, right? And I'm gonna handle things like an adult. And by you handling things like an adult, you are inviting them to do the same. And that can be really powerful, right? So I hope none of you ever have to deal with any of this. It's not fun when it comes up. But I hope that those steps, at least to give you a. Um, a way forward, a template to follow in case you do have to deal with somebody undermining you, either talking bad about you or taking credit or, or any of the things that people do, um, out of their own insecurities. And maybe that's the last thing that I'll leave you with when this happens. If someone is going behind your back or, um, around you to, to get to somebody. They're doing that from a place of insecurity. Clearly because if they weren't, if there was really a grievance or an issue and they themselves were whole and healed and professional, they would just come to you with the issue. They wouldn't talk trash about you, and they wouldn't go behind your back and they wouldn't do an end run to the boss. They would deal with you, right? And so if that's not happening, I want you to know it didn't say a thing about you. It says everything about them and their own insecurities and their own undealt with junk. Which is not your responsibility. It's not your job to heal them. Whoever they are, that's their job, right? So I hope none of you have to deal with the situation, but if you do, I hope you know, maybe there's an opportunity for growth, but no matter what, you didn't deserve it. They're in the wrong for handling it the way that they did, and it is a chance for you to process your feelings to ground, ground into your safety first. Process your feelings. Maybe take an opportunity to grow. If not, you're validating that you're doing great and maybe it's an opportunity to repair a relationship. Or maybe not. Now, friends, if this episode spoke to you, I would love for you to share it with a friend who is maybe struggling, maybe going through a situation where she's got people who are undermining her. We need more women leading from alignment, not adrenaline. And if you are ready to begin your burnout recovery journey, learn more about regulating your nervous system and what it truly means to lead joyfully, sustainably, and authentically frantic to flourishing. My 12 week online group program is coming later this summer. You can join the wait list and lock in the lowest price it will ever be offered at at www.womenleadwell.net/flourishing. I want you to make sure you're on that email list so you don't miss the launch. You can also grab any of our free resources@womenleadwell.net and link in the show notes below. Remember, friends, joyful, sustainable, and authentic leadership is possible and you deserve to enjoy every minute of it. Until next time, I'm Becky Hamm and this is joyfully unstoppable.