15 Stressed Out? Try These 4 Research-Backed Joy Practices That Actually Work

When you’re stressed, joy can feel out of reach. Everything feels flat. Even the things you used to love feel like effort. But here’s the truth: joy isn’t gone—it’s just buried beneath exhaustion, overextension, and conditioning.

In this episode of Joyfully Unstoppable, we explore the science behind how you can reconnect with joy, without overhauling your life or adding one more thing to your to-do list.

You’ll learn:

• What neuroscience reveals about how we condition ourselves for joy (or frustration!)
• Why you don’t have to “fix yourself first” to feel good again
• What micro-moments of joy can do for your nervous system
• How to create a low-pressure “joy menu” that meets you where you are

This episode is an invitation to stop waiting for perfect conditions—and start choosing joy in small, sustainable ways. Because you don't have to wait to enjoy your life -- no matter your circumstances.

Joyfully Unstoppable—helping women reconnect with what matters most.

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Transcript

0:06

Welcome to Joyfully Unstoppable, the podcast for women who are ready to lead boldly, live lightly, and reclaim their joy. Whether you're leading a team, a classroom, a boardroom, or your own big, beautiful life, I am so glad you found us. I'm your host, Becky Ham, leadership coach, speaker and founder of Women Lead Well. After years of high level leadership, I discovered that success doesn't have to come at the cost of your peace, your values, or your wellbeing. Each week, we'll explore what it means to lead with clarity, confidence, and authenticity. Even in a world that tells you to hustle harder and prove your worth, you carry a lot. Let's help it feel lighter. Friends fall is coming where we live in Virginia. The kids are already back in school. We have had Canada Geese camped out in our front yard the past few days on their way south. Uh, a bit stressful to my husband because Canada Geese, um, leave a lot behind and it's a little gross, but the season is changing. And I am mindful that 2025 has been a rough year for so many of the women I coach, particularly for women who used to serve in the federal government, who lost their jobs as part of the federal restructuring. And it's additionally challenging many of the federal workers who lost their jobs receive severance packages that expire at the end of the fiscal year, which is a short five weeks away. Compounding that is, that 2025 wasn't just tough for federal employees. Folks in tech, higher ed, other industries have all taken a hit this year with layoffs across a number of those sectors, making it even harder for people to find jobs because there are so many jobs seekers out there right now. And so I wanted us to spend some time today. Talking about joy. I know it's counterintuitive, but just ride the ride with me for a few minutes and see if you don't understand. I want us to talk about how we can find joy even in the midst of hardship, and we're gonna start the conversation in neuroscience. So as humans, this is phenomenal. Like it blew my mind when I learned this as humans. All of our sensory systems, our eyes, our ears, our touch, you know, the functions in our body, all of our sensory sys systems receive about 11 million bits of information per second. Every second our brains can process about 10. So, uh. 11 million bits of information per second. Our brains. Can deal with 10. The way we process that information is through what's called the reticular activating system or RAS. This is that thing that part of us that if I say Red Honda Civics, next time you get out into the world and you're going down, you're gonna see Red Honda Civics. Why? Because I have now told you, red Honda Civics, your brain has picked up on Red Honda Civics. So for the next couple of weeks you're gonna see a lot of red Honda Civics. Hi Social Experiment Fund DM me to let me know. But it's true, you will. So the reticular activating system or RAS focuses on the things that the mind thinks is important, and so it filters out, it mutes 10,999,990 bits of information each and every second to focus on the 10 that are most likely to keep us alive and red. Honda Civics. I'm so sorry, but so it goes. How does your brain decide? How does a reticular activating system decide which 10 will keep us alive? Which 10 bits of information to focus on. Some of it is biological, right? And so elevated heart rate, you're probably gonna notice that, right? Difficulty breathing, you're gonna key in on that. You might not key in on, oh my, my tooth is sore. If it's been sore for six weeks, right? Your brain will filter that information out or this is a huge one, right? If you stub your toe and then break your arm, you're probably gonna feel your arm hurting, not your toe. Why? Because the arm is a bigger deal in terms of your life and wellbeing than the toe is at that moment. If you hadn't broken your arm, you'd probably feel your toe. Right, so some of it is biological. And some of it is what gets primed by, where our brain has put its energy and focus in the past, this is why I'm saying Red Honda, you're gonna see a bunch of red Honda Civics. Why? Because I've primed your brain to look for them, to notice them when it sees them.'cause again, 11 million bits of information per second. You already are saying a lot of red Honda Civics. It's just your RAS has muted that, so you don't notice that it's in your line of sight. You're gonna notice it now, And this logic of the thing that you, you see what you expect to see, or you see what you have seen. This is the source of the confirmation bias, We see what we expect to see. Now let me bring it back to joy. If we expect to see joy, we will see joy. If we expect to see stress, we're gonna find ourselves in a heap load of stress. Our objective circumstances might not change, but if we focus on joy with intention for just little bits at a time, if we focus on joy with intention, then joy becomes more available to us because our brain isn't muting it. The reticular activating system, our RAS isn't turning the volume down on joy to turn the volume up on something else. We have signaled to our brains that we wanna see more joy. And so our brain shows us more of it, Think of your brain as like the super sweet Labrador retriever. You say, Hey, go fetch. It will go fetch. But my friend, this is my point, you say, oh, this is awful. Oh, I'm never gonna get another job. The market is so bad. Your brain is gonna send you lots of confirming information. And if you tell your brain, well, it sucks that I'm outta work right now, but do you know this one little thing I'm gonna do today. I'm gonna find the joy in the moment, then your brain is gonna bring you more of that. And I wanna be super clear here. I wanted to to take a moment and clarify. This is not some like woo woo manifestation, good vibes only nonsense. Uh, that one, that ain't me. Two, it doesn't, that's no right. If you have listened to this podcast for any length of time, you will know that I am the first person to tell you to always feel your actual feelings, even when those feelings are big and scary. Right? I'm gonna tell you to feel your feelings after you regulate your nervous system, but this is not good vibes only mumbo jumbo. It is simply neuroscience. Our brains cannot handle all the sensory data they receive in any moment, and so our brains filter. The beauty is that we have the ability to shape that filter. So if you're looking for a job, you will still be looking for a job if you have a toxic boss. For the moment, you're still gonna have a toxic boss. And I'm sorry that those, that sucks, but you can still experience joy in the midst of those circumstances. And friend, like, why wouldn't you? You are not gonna be unemployed forever. That is just the fact. And you won't work for a toxic boss forever either. So why would you let a transitory set of circumstances drag you down? Especially when it is really pretty easy to train your brain, to bring you more joy. So let's get into it. Here are four actions you can take this week to find joy without your circumstances changing one bit. Step one or thing one, I want you to release the pressure to quote unquote, fix yourself first. Setbacks often come with a side dish of shame, right? You think to yourself, I should be grateful. I should be able to handle this. I just need to get through this season and then I can rest, right? I just need to send a hundred applications a day and that you're not but a week, right? A hundred applications a week, right? People do it and then I can focus on the good, but those beliefs, they only tighten the trap. Why? Because you're putting your focus and your energy on the negative. On the absence of joy, you're telling your brain, bring me more of the yuckiness, right? Because that's where you're putting your attention. And there is this, this myth. Myth. It is a lie, but it is one of the most damaging myths that we carry, particularly as women, is this idea that we have to be like fully healed or we have to have everything together before we're allowed to feel good. Right? We treat joy like it's a reward for some kind of an accomplishment. And what I'm gonna say is that joy is not a reward. Joy is a resource. Joy is a source of energy and goodness that allows us to sustain through difficult periods and allows us to sustain through wonderful periods.'cause you can wear yourself out during a beautiful season of life too, But Joy is one of those resources that helps build us up and keep us sustained and keep our lives sustainable regardless of the circumstances. And joy, especially when it's experienced in these small frequent doses that we're gonna talk about here in a second, it can actually buffer the effect of stress. So it can help with your resilience through the difficult periods. And there's a psychologist, Barbara f Fredrickson, uh, she has what's called the broaden and build theory that tells us that positive emotions like joy, they don't just feel good, they do, but they don't only feel good, they also expand our cognitive capacity. This increases our resilience. It promotes our long-term wellbeing. So in other words, choosing joy isn't just selfish, and it's not something you do after you've already gotten what you want. Choosing joy is strategic. It's the oxygen mask that helps you stay grounded while you navigate leadership uncertainty in your life. Complexity, challenges, difficulty, setbacks. So instead of waiting until everything is perfect. You just allow yourself a little glimmer of joy today because focusing on joy, especially the small joys, when you do that, you're training that reticular activating system. You're training your brain to go find you more of it. And again, dutiful Labrador retriever, man, that brain's gonna go out and it's gonna do it, and then you're on autopilot and that's beautiful. So. Step one, you give yourself permission, joy now, not joy later. Joy is in the today. Step two, you find your joy in the micro moments. You do not need a week long vacation or a six month sabbatical to find joy. And now please. Do I want that for you? Yes, of course I do. Go find yourself a six. Get a six month sabbatical. Go take a two week vacation to someplace warm and relaxing or cold and relaxing. If you like to ski, whatever fi, follow your bliss, but you don't wait for joy until those moments, Sometimes, all the time. What your nervous system really needs is that three minute reset. Why? Because those micro moments is where you signal to your nervous system, to your body. You are safe right now here in this moment you are okay. Maybe I don't like the circumstances, but right now, in this moment, we are okay. Neuroscientists call these glimmers. They are small cues of safety that regulate the nervous system. They spark calm and connection. These moments help counteract the fight, flight, freeze fawn response, and they slowly build our brain to have the capacity it needs for joy. It brings our brain online for joy. So here's some examples of glimmers. Again, this is highly individualized to the person. I'm just giving you a few off the top of my head. You sit on your porch with your morning cup of coffee and you let the, the sunshine, the morning light into your eyeballs, right? You just sit there and drink your coffee and watch the world go by. Watch those Canada geese out there defying your front yard. That might be a glimmer of joy to me. I don't think it's a glimmer of joy to my husband. The beauty of getting some of that morning light. Is that the melatonin in your eyes? I'm like looking at my eyes and pointing that, getting that sunlight into your eyeballs helps with your melatonin production to help, uh, you go to sleep at night. It's a win-win, particularly for us. Perimenopausal Ladies, another glimmer. You listen to some music that, that you feel, right. Maybe it's attached to a memory. Maybe there's something about the cadence, but that music that stirs something in you, beautiful, right? Light a candle. I love this. I light a candle with my coaching calls, and so as I'm coaching women that I have this little candle that burns for about an hour and it just burns down, and it's just this, for me, just this beautiful marker of the session, and there's something that is so spiritual, I don't know about that candle that it just, it keeps me anchored in the present. It keeps me in that conversation and the, the, the sanctity of that coaching call. A glimmer might be sharing a laugh with someone you trust, sending a silly meme to a friend and then you get one back, right? The moments themselves are not life-changing moments, They're everyday moments, but they bring you joy. They bring you back to the present. They signal safety to your body, to your nervous system. They are not throwaway moments. They are the fuel, This is how you find joy in the middle of a difficult season by anchoring into those small acts of presence that reconnect you with yourself, Reconnect you with safety and calm, even when everything feels heavy. Now, this is number three. Reconnect with what brings you to life, what lights you up. Stress doesn't just empty your energy tank. It can erase your sense of self. You can stop asking What brings me joy? Because you're spending so much time asking, what do others need from me right now? What do I need to do to fix this situation? You externalize your sense of self and you can alienate yourself from yourself. So a helpful way to start reconnecting with what brings you to life is to revisit your core values. Especially if there's some that you have maybe unintentionally set aside, Research shows that reconnecting with your values, and that might be creativity, it might be connection, it might be autonomy. Whatever matters most to you. When you can reconnect with those values, you increase your resilience and you decrease the emotional impact of stress because you're anchored into something of meaning for you. And so quickly, I'm gonna give you three reflection questions to explore. Question one, when do I feel most like myself? Question two, what activities or environments give me energy instead of draining it? What are my energy engines? And then what are my energy vampires, right? You want more engines in your life than you've got vampires. And then question number three, what did I love doing? Before life got so difficult, This exercise is not about reinventing yourself. It's about remembering who you are, The version of you that loved cooking, who lost track of time, when you would write, who felt deeply fulfilled mentoring others, that woman is still there. Finding your joy starts with listening to her voice again. And if it would help, I've got a free values clarification exercise that will let you get crystal clear on your values so you can reconnect more deeply with those activities that light you up. And again, the more energy you put to that, the more your training your brain to focus there and bring you more of that goodness every day, every day, even when you're not intentionally trying to do it. This is number four. Build a daily joy practice that doesn't burn you out. Once you begin to notice what brings you back to life, the next step is to practice joy consistently. Now, I wanna be clear, this is not one more thing on your to-do list. Think of it, it's so corny, and I'm sorry for it being so corny, but think of it as like a joy menu, Just the simple, no obligation list of the little things. That you like to do, and you can choose from this list every day based on how much energy and how much time you have. I just like having the list there in place so you're not wasting time brainstorming. You can just look and say, oh, this one right now. Right? So you invest three, four minutes on it. Now you can do that on your commute. You can do it while you're in the shower. You can think up the ideas, stick it in your smartphone, and then it's always there for you. The goal is that you don't perform joy. The goal is that you have opportunities to experience joy. So your joy menu might include five minutes of movement with your favorite playlist. It might include stepping outside to watch the clouds. Those glimmers that I talked about a few minutes ago, those glimmers are great things to put on your joy list. Maybe on your joy list, you wanna read a few pages of a novel. That feels like an escape, right? This isn't for work. This isn't. You should, this is, you get to, maybe it's journaling a few sentences about what felt good today, what you enjoyed about the day you chronicle a win that you had for the day. Maybe it's spending some time weeding in the garden. That is not a glimmer for me. That is most definitely a chore, but they're people who love it, right? The point is, whatever is on your list are not chores. They're anchors. Weaning the garden would not be on my joy list, but if it brings you joy, put it on yours. That's the point. They're the things that bring you joy. You don't have to do'em all, You just pick when you've got a moment or when you feel that the negativity is taking over. This is your anchor. You say, okay, I'm gonna pick one right now and I'm gonna do it right now, and then you just do it. And then tomorrow I'm gonna pick one right now. I'm gonna do it right now. I got 30 minutes for lunch. I'm gonna do it in my lunch break. I'm gonna do it during my commute. I'm gonna do it before I leave for work. Whatever you find, you find the time you have it, stack it over time. It's the cumulation of the work. It's the compound interest of the joy. Over time, the small joys begin to rewire your brain. They regulate your nervous system. They rebuild your capacity. That is how to find joy without overwhelming yourself. It is literally one moment at a time. And so my friends, I'm gonna leave you with this. You deserve to feel good. You deserve to experience joy every single day. You do not have to earn your way into joy. You're allowed to feel good, even if you're still tired, even if you're unsure, even if you're healing, even if your circumstances. Are difficult. So if today feels heavy, ask yourself what is one small thing I can do to choose joy? Not for anyone else. Just for you. And if I may make a suggestion for today, let that one thing that brings you joy. Be making your joy menu.'cause you're just gonna spend five minutes and you're just gonna write down all the things you love. And just thinking about all those things that you love doing. We will bring you joy. So step one, right? Just get the early win and then that list is there for tomorrow because my friend, finding your joy is not a luxury. It's a lifeline, and it is not something you have to do alone. If you are ready to find more joy, if you would like to lock in and really anchor in joy and tell your brain that you want more of it, I would love to invite you to join the Women Lead Well Community over on Facebook. In it, I share additional leadership tips and encouragement every week, and we work together as a community to build each other up and help each other grow. It is a strong signal to your reticular activating system that you are supported and committed to your growth as a leader. I'll leave a link in the show notes below for you, and if this episode spoke to you, I would love for you to share it with a friend who's running on empty. We need more women leading from alignment, not adrenaline. And please don't forget to like and subscribe. It really helps a small little podcast like mine, be shown to other people who maybe don't know about it yet. Next week we're talking about navigating the messy middle and what to do when you feel stuck, so you won't wanna miss that one. You can also grab our free resources, like the Values Clarification exercise@womenleadwell.net, and LinkedIn, the show notes below. Remember, joyful, sustainable, and authentic leadership is possible and you deserve to enjoy every minute of it. Until next time, I'm Becky Ham, and this is joyfully Unstoppable.