36 Embrace Your Inner Critic

Your inner critic shows up when the stakes rise. It questions your decisions, critiques your choices, and keeps a running commentary in the background. In this episode of Joyfully Unstoppable, Becky Hamm unpacks what drives that voice and how to work with it as a protection system that scans for risk, reputation, belonging, and exposure.

In this conversation, you will learn how to:
·       Identify what your inner critic tries to protect in moments of growth, visibility, and meaningful decisions
·       Create distance from the narrative so you can evaluate the signal and choose your next move
·       Name the underlying need behind the criticism, then meet that need with clear action

Coming soon: Make Friends with Your Inner Critic
Learn more about this new 5-module mini-course on working with your inner critic and strengthening your inner cheerleader. The course launches by the end of January and costs $26. Join the waitlist here:
https://womenleadwell.net/inner-critic-mini-course/

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Transcript

0:46

Welcome to Joyfully Unstoppable, the podcast for women who are ready to succeed without the stress. Whether you're leading a team, a classroom, a boardroom, or your own big, beautiful life, I am so glad you found us. I'm your host, Becky Hamm, leadership coach, speaker and founder of Women Lead Well. Each week we'll explore what it means to lead joyfully, sustainably, and authentically. Even in a world that tells you to hustle harder and prove your worth, you carry a lot. Let's help it feel lighter. Okay, friends, I hope you all are doing well. We are into January 20 26 is on its way. And now let me take a second to frame what we're gonna do today because there is an arc to these episodes here in January. For the last two weeks we've been talking about failure proofing your goals. How do you goal set in a way that makes implementation inevitable? Today we're gonna talk about a little gremlin that gets in the way of us achieving our goals. Our inner critic, and you'll remember back in the holidays, I did an episode on the Inner Critic about what you can do in the moment if you're inner critic rears its ugly head, gets loud at a holiday party or a Christmas dinner or a Thanksgiving meal, because there is a decent chance that language, that narrative of your inner critic. Was written by somebody you shared a meal with over the holidays. I mean, that's just how it goes. And so I gave you some coping strategies that you could use in the holidays, about a month ago, and I'll link that in the show notes below if you guys are interested in looking at that. But today I want us to take, maybe a bit of a step back and unpack what this inner critic is doing and how you can. Change the narrative, how you can take control of that inner critic. Everybody's got an inner critic. You will have that voice, that question, questions your decisions. Uh, wants to criticize your choices, wants to insert doubt into your decision making. That is just a part. Of the human experience. So when that voice comes up, I don't want you to ever feel like you've done something wrong or you lack self-confidence, or, and this is important, or that there's any validity to what that voice is telling you. That voice was programmed. I mean, when you were in elementary school, probably probably programmed before you could smoke a cigarette and drink a beer. So it has nothing to do with the moment that you're in now. So that would be thing number one. If you walk away with nothing else from today's episode, walk away with that, that voice, that nagging doubt, that self-criticism, that like running narrative that we all have. That tells us, uh, quick to point out the weaknesses in our plans and, and what we could have and should have done better. All that means is that you're human. It doesn't mean anything else, so don't give it any weight beyond that. When you hear that voice, you tell yourself, oh, oh yeah, this is just what the brain does. Not even my brain. It's what all brains do to keep us alive. So today we're gonna get into it. And we're gonna talk about what motivates your inner critic to pipe up when it does. Because if we can learn what motivates your inner critic, yours uniquely different from mine, different from your friends, different from your family, but your unique inner critic voice, that unique narrative that only runs in the back of your brain, if you can understand what is motivating your inner critic. Then that is key to ensuring that your inner critic does not hold you back from all of the amazing things that you were meant to do. So today on the podcast, we're gonna unpack that inner critic, and I'm gonna share some strategies for how you can engage with it in a way that like turns down the volume. You just wanna, you just wanna dial it back a notch. It's still gonna be there. And again, that's fine. You just don't have to pay as much attention to it as you might be. Okay. And we're gonna start off by looking at what the inner critic is actually doing. Your inner critic functions as a protection system. It's the part of you that is constantly scanning for risk. It's anticipating consequences, the brain runs on predictions, and so it's taking what has happened in the past and it is making predictions about the future. It pays attention to your reputation. To your credibility, to your belonging, right? You're fitting in with whatever group you're in to exposure that might leave you vulnerable. And I mean, to be clear, these are all things that matter for effective leaders and especially for women in leadership roles. And while you probably think that your success. Would quiet that inner critic voice, right? Because you have a track record of. Being awesome. And so if the brain runs on prediction and if it's basing its prediction about the future in terms of what's happened in the past, then surely your success itself should quiet that inner critic voice. No ma'am. No, I'm so sorry. Often the opposite is true. Your inner critic can become louder, the more successful you become. And from your inner critics perspective, this makes perfect sense and let me explain why it more Success means more eyes on your work. More eyes on your work means increased stakes. Greater responsibility increases your pressure for accuracy. Your inner critic responds to that. By increasing its monitoring, by getting louder, by, um, being more attuned to the risk, to the exposure, to the visibility. And you've probably seen this in your life. To give an example before an important meeting, your inner critic might well show up and tell you all the ways that you should have prepared. Okay. After a decision gets made, it reviews all of the alternatives, right? When an opportunity appears, maybe a promotion, maybe a speaking gig, but something that is gonna make you visible, well, then it's gonna tell you all the potential downsides. Why? Because that exposure is risk. The goal remains consistent. Your inner critic, that voice in your brain is simply trying to keep you safe. It's trying to prevent harm to you. Reduce your exposure because again, exposure brings risk and it's trying to maintain control. So the more successful you are, that could easily result in a louder inner critic. And while that is certainly well-meaning, right, that part of you is just trying to keep you safe, I mean, one, it is a real buzzkill, particularly when you're trying to celebrate success and two. It's not aligned with your potential, with your actual abilities or your vision. So what can you do? Well, I'm gonna say one, just understanding what your inner critic is trying to do is a great first step. The messages that come from your inner critic. if you know what's going on, if you just know that voice is just trying to keep you safe, and so that's why it's trying to keep you small, well then that just becomes information. You hear it for what it is, as opposed to the judgment. You don't perceive it as judgment. You can evaluate the information that's coming in without taking it personally, and when you can do that, then you can decide, does this information deserve my action? Like should I pay attention to it? Or is this one of those things that I can let go? And so when that voice comes up, I'm gonna encourage you to start by asking, what are these thoughts? Trying to protect that voice of doubt, that voice of criticism. What is behind the thought? What is it trying to keep safe? What does my inner critic, what does my brain think is at risk? And by answering those questions, you gain some leverage. You move from reaction. The inner critic's narrative, that message is driving you. You flip that to analysis, and so rather than just beating yourself up, you just assume that that inner critic voice is true. That that nagging doubt or that disbelief or that criticism is valid. You create a little distance between you and those thoughts, and by creating that distance, you're able to make real meaningful decisions about whether to take that information on board and adjust your behavior or not. It gives you some choices about what to do next, and here's the even better news when you can shift your perspective like that. I mean, that shows real maturity. Leaders who interpret internal signals as opposed to just reacting to them, you stay steadier. You stay more grounded in yourself, but in your ability, in your purpose, in your mission, and you're better able to make the right moves. Because you are present, you're, you're not like strung out on some like future doom spiraling. You stay in the moment, you stay present and grounded in your body, and you recognize your thoughts for what they are, and that makes you better at making decisions. And so the inner critic can become part of informed decision making instead of. A, I say this with love, but a very immature version of you that has hijacked your life because again, that inner critic voice got put in your brain when you were a kid, and now here you are. However many decades later listening to this podcast, like my inner critic was from when I was like seven and eight years old. I'm 50. I do not need a 7-year-old. Making my decisions for me by essentially bullying me into a particular course of action by telling me what I can't do or I shouldn't do or won't work, or da da da, no, like that. That does not set me up for success. That does not set me up for joy, that does not the best version of me. And to tie it back to mature, grounded leadership. Man, that's not the kind of leader I want, and that is not the kind of leader my teams deserve. And you have seen it, you have worked with or been around people who have learned how to take charge of their inner critic, and you have worked and been around people who are led by their inner critic. And it is a stark difference between the two. And I'm just here telling you, you get to choose which person you wanna be, and you can take charge of that voice. So. You can use your inner critic, be a source of information and analysis to inform better decision making and not be so dang disruptive, gaining distance and perspective. That is your step one. Okay? Here's your step two, and this is you wanna talk about getting to the root of the matter. This is the core piece of it all. Step two, you wanna identify the real need behind your inner critic. And this is how you shift from that reacting to that understanding and and grounded action. And so here's what you wanna do when you hear those, those thoughts when they come up. As I had said before, ask yourself, what is this trying to prevent? Because it's never the thing, it's not the speaking. It's not the promotion. It's not the trying, it's not stretching and trying something new. It's never the thing. It's the thing behind the thing. Right. This comes up in coaching all the time. I always ask, somebody will present a problem, and of course when you coach, you coach the person, not the problem. And so I always wanna bring it back to the the woman who I'm coaching. And so she'll give me a problem and I'll say, okay, well what's really going on? Or what's behind that? Or where's that coming from, right? You always wanna ask, just peel the onion layers back. And so whatever that thought is of what you can't do or what you shouldn't do, or what you failed at or you're not good at, or will never what, whatever that inner critic voice is telling you, you, you ask yourself, okay, what's that trying to prevent? What's like, where's that coming from? What's behind that thought? Because it's not the thing in the moment. There's something else. It's coming from a different place. It's coming from what created the prediction back when you were a kid or a teenager or a young adult, and ask yourself, what outcome is my inner critic trying to avoid? Is it exposure? Is it uncertainty? Is it disruption? Is it like newness that you going for the promotion, applying for the job, doing the whatever that means change your brain. Doesn't like change the keeping you alive part. You're alive now. It wants you exactly where you are, which, um, from an evolutionary perspective makes a ton of sense. But from a human fulfillment perspective, it, it is not setting you up for success. What is the outcome that my inner critic is trying to avoid? What, what does it seem concerned about right now? So what is it about this situation that my inner critic is reacting to? What's it concerned about? What feels at stake, right? What's at stake in this moment to my inner critic? When you can name that underlying concern, when you can, um, get clear about the need behind the need. You are lowering the intensity of the emotion. And so again, all of this is trying to give you a little bit of distance from the, it's in your own brain, right? The dis the thought feels true because it is your own thought. It's your own brain. If you're the kind of person who hears your thoughts, you're hearing that thought in a voice, that could be your voice. It could be another person's voice. But, but it feels so real. And because it feels real, it feels true. And so by stopping and peeling those onion layers back and asking yourself, what is really going on here? What is behind this visceral reaction that my inner critic is having right now? In the moment, you'll start to gain some insight into the fundamental issue over time. If you really make a habit of doing this every time your inner critic pops up, well then you're gonna start to see patterns and you're gonna start to see that every time there's exposure. So every time you are seen by others. That's a real trigger for your inner critic, or maybe it's not. Maybe you have no problem being seen by others, but every time you have to take a step against the grain, that's when your inner critic comes out. Your inner critic really wants you to conform in order to stay safe, right? Again, everyone is different, but the more you listen and peel back the onion and start to see what is behind, what is motivating, what's driving this voice, you start to see that the voice itself, the message in the moment is nothing. It's not the point at all. The point is what's behind it and once you know what's behind it, once you know that real need, that little you has, like this is where inner critic can translate into inner child, right? Once you know that need, well then you grown woman that you are. You can find ways to meet that need. And so let's say that, that your inner critic is driven to reduce exposure because whatever, at some point in your life, you had an experience or you saw an experience or someone was out in front and it went badly for them. And so there's that part of your brain that says, no, no, no. She's gonna stay with the herd. She's not gonna be seen. We're gonna keep her safe by keeping her small well. Then you can intentionally do some work to help yourself feel safe in your body, to know that you are safe being seen. You are safe when you use your voice, that not only good things happen, but that you can advance your mission, that you can live into your purpose. You have to be intentional about doing it again. This all takes time. You've probably had decades of that voice telling you not to be seen, and so it's gonna take more than a weekend for you to feel safe being seen. My point though, is that you gotta start somewhere. If you wanna take charge of your life, if you wanna grow in the way that you know you want to grow, you know that you were meant to grow, then you gotta take charge of your inner critic. And you can in fact take charge of your inner critic. Okay, let's bring her home. Here's your steps. Number one, you wanna notice the voice. You wanna catch yourself thinking the critical thoughts. Once you catch it, identify that protective need. What is behind the criticism? What's it really trying to do? Number three. You wanna meet that need, you wanna respond with some kind of a clear action, a decision, something that helps you, your body and your brain feel safe doing the thing that your inner critic finds threatening. Okay? And again, this is a practice. This is not a do at once. And woof. You never have to worry about it again. We all have inner critics. You're gonna have it your entire life. The message might change, the intensity might change, but she's there. And so just realize that this is, this is something to do over time and again, as you start to see the patterns, you'll be able to respond more effectively. Now that. Was a good introduction to the inner critic, and I really think that if you follow those steps, that you will be able to quiet the voice of your inner critic. But I'm also gonna tell you, I've had a lot of people, a lot of women tell me that this is something that they've struggled with for a long time. And again, it's gonna take more than. Then one or two efforts of meeting the needs of your inner critic in order for that voice to get quiet. And so you guys know by now, I am a woman of service. Service is part of my authentic code. It's one of my core values. And so since I have heard this so often from women just in conversations, and then also with my clients, I am developing a mini course. On making friends with your inner critic and strengthening your inner cheerleader so that you've got that voice also as part of your mental makeup. I'm not done with it yet, but you will see down in the show notes, there'll be a link if you wanna get on the wait list, uh, for when making friends with your inner critic. It's a five module mini course,$26, just the same as the goal setting. That'll launch, by the end of January. So it's coming up pretty quick. I've got the scripts done. I'm just working on filming now and I'm excited about it. So if you wanna get on the wait list, please do that. So this course is gonna give you an even deeper understanding of those inner critic. Patterns and the types of inner critics. We've talked about it a little bit on the podcast, right? That sometimes the inner critic is trying to keep you from exposure. Sometimes it's trying to keep you from uncertainty. We're gonna dig into those different types of inner critic in the mini course and give you the opportunity to figure out your most common patterns because again, once you can see the patterns, it becomes a whole lot easier to to distance yourself from the voice. I'm giving you a number of tools within the program. Um. That that include practical leadership situations. So moments you might find yourself in what inner critic voices might say in that moment and how you can reframe in order to lead from a more grounded place. And so there are a number of guided exercises to help build skill and consistency as you identify these patterns over time. And then of course that is for the inner critic. And then we're mirroring all of that with your inner cheerleader so that you are bolstering, strengthening, turning up the volume on that voice of encouragement that also lives inside of you. So again, link in the show notes if you'd like to get on the wait list for that and be looking for it, uh, by the end of January. I'm very excited. And I hope that you will join me next week as I give you the secret for taking confident action, even when you don't feel so confident. This is the theme, right? You're seeing the theme of we are gonna make 2026 a year of success and joy, and we are gonna have fun doing it. So next week, it's all about confidence. If you have ever struggled with moving forward before you feel ready, you are not gonna wanna miss it. Now if this episode spoke to you, I would love for you to share it with a friend who's running on empty. We need more women leading from alignment, not adrenaline. And please don't forget to like and subscribe. And if you could leave a review, please, please, please leave a review. I would really deeply appreciate it building those reviews on Spotify, apple, YouTube. It really does help a little podcast like mine get some traction and to get shown to more women who could benefit from it. And now you can always grab one of our free resources like Tame Your Inner Critic, the Weekly Reset Routine, and the Mental Load Reset. All of that is available on the Women Lead Well website, and I'll link'em in the show notes below. Remember, joyful, sustainable, and authentic leadership is possible, and you deserve to enjoy every minute of it. Until next time, I'm Becky Hamm, and this is joyfully unstoppable.