39 Insights from a Recovering Control Freak

In this episode of Joyfully Unstoppable, Becky Hamm breaks down a practical leadership filter for high-capacity women who take initiative, drive outcomes, and carry real responsibility.

You will work through three categories that shape how you prioritize your time and energy:

• Control: you own the decision, the execution, and the outcome
• Influence: you can access the decision-making process, shape execution, or affect outcomes through leverage
• Acceptance: you identify what sits outside your control and influence, then redirect your energy toward work where you can create impact

Becky also defines “control” with clear questions, shows how influence works in real leadership contexts, and explains how strategic acceptance protects your capacity for meaningful work.

Share your takeaway: As you sort your current challenges into control, influence, and acceptance, drop a comment or send Becky a DM and share what changes in your approach.

Learn more about Women Lead Well coaching and how coaching supports clearer decisions, stronger self-trust, and sustainable success.

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Transcript

0:46

Welcome to Joyfully Unstoppable, the podcast for women who were ready to succeed without the stress. Whether you lead a team, a classroom, a boardroom, or your own big, beautiful life, I am so glad you found us. I'm your host, Becky Hamm, leadership coach, speaker and founder of Women Lead Well. Each week we'll explore what it means to lead joyfully, sustainably, and authentically. Even in a world that tells you to hustle harder and prove your worth, you carry a lot. Let's help it feel lighter. Okay, show of hands. How many of us identify, as I'm gonna say, with love a control freak. Do you identify yourself as someone who likes to be in control? Hi, I got both my hands up. I definitely do, and I'm gonna go one further and say that a good bit of the success that I have had in my life, I can attribute to the fact that I like to be in control and I will take charge and I will step up and I will make things happen. And so as we start our conversation today, I wanna be very clear that initiative, action, that bias toward action and getting things done are amazing traits. And so if that is you, yay. I love that for you. I love that about you. I do though, wanna talk to something that I see a lot, and I certainly see it when I look in the mirror, so I'm not preaching at you, I'm talking. With you as someone who does this to, and that is that we can burn a lot of time and a lot of energy trying to control things. That are not ours to control. And so what we are gonna talk about today on the podcast is probably to my mind, like the most fundamental prioritization that we do as people. And so this will apply to you in a leadership context, in a professional context, but also in a personal context. This is not prioritizing our tasks for what we're gonna do first. This is prioritizing. Where we will put our energy, our time, ourselves, where we will allow ourselves to be, to inhabit, to be exposed. And we're gonna talk about it on three different levels. We're gonna talk about what you can control, we're gonna talk about what you can influence, and then we're gonna talk about what you are invited to accept. And I am making the claim. You grown woman, live your own life. I ain't telling you what to do. I am, however, making a pretty strong recommendation in this episode. I am going to argue that if you can control something, then control it. If you can't control it. Then ask yourself, well, can I influence this thing? Whatever it is, a project or a relationship or somebody's behavior, if I can't control it, can I influence it? And if you can, then great. Influence it in the way that serves you and is for the greater good. If you can't control it and you can't influence it. Well then my friends, we're in this third category of we are invited to accept it. We don't have to put our time and energy toward banging our head against the wall or Don Quixote jousting at windmills or Sisyphus pushing the rock up the, if it's not, if our energy and action is not going to bring a positive outcome, then we are invited to accept the thing that we don't like, that we would love to be able to control or influence and put our energy instead toward the things that we can control or influence. So that's what we're gonna talk about today. And let's start with focusing on the things that we can control. And let's start with this. Let's, let's talk about what does it mean to control something, because here, this is really where words and definitions probably matter a lot. I would say, when I'm talking about the things you can control, what I mean is, are you the decision maker? Are you the person who makes the decision about. Whatever it is, the project or the relationship or the outcome that you're driving toward, do you control the decision? Yes or no? If yes, okay, then that is a level of control. Do you control the execution, the how that decision is carried out? If yes, well then that's all. That's a higher level of control. Good. That's awesome. Yay. Good for you. Do you control the outcome? Do you get to dictate. The outcome of the decision and how the execution is carried out. If you can say yes to all of those questions, beautiful. You have control over the situation or over the scenario, and if that's the case, then wonderful with intention and to the level of priority that is appropriate to you. Yeah. Not all things that you have control over are gonna be priorities, right? But if it's a priority and if it, if you have the actual control, then you put your time and your energy to it. And that could be a professional situation. It could be that you have control over a particular project. And so you're the decision maker on what happens in the project and you own the execution. So how the project is carried out and you even. Somehow have control over the outcome. That doesn't always happen, but if it does phenomenal, then man, you own it. And you know that that is a place where you can put your time and energy to maximize positive impact. Love that for you. Maybe it's personal. Maybe you have been, and I'll again, looking in the mirror, been trying to lose weight. Well, do I have control over the food that I eat? Yes, I do. Do I have control over the process of the food that comes into our home? I actually do. I'm the one who shops. My husband cooks more than I do, a lot more than I do, but I've got control over planting the menus and, and the food that actually comes in. I can pick the actual things that come into my home that then are available for me to eat. Okay? Do I control the outcome of the, actually what I eat and what I don't? And do I exercise or do I not exercise? Maybe less control. Sometimes kids get sick, and if I was gonna go to the gym, maybe the schedule has to shimmy around, right? If things get disrupted. But I have a high degree of control over that, right? Still has been a bit of a struggle for me. But if we're talking about identifying what do we control? Like I control that. Do I control my eight year old's attitude? No, ma'am. I don't control that. I don't get to make her decisions for her. I don't even get to, um, decide whether she's gonna do what I ask her kindly and politely to do.'cause we try to, you know, model respect in our family. So I'm always respectful when I ask her to do something because I want her in turn to be respectful. So I could model that. But can I control her behavior? No. Can I control how she does on a test? No. Can I control whether she is mean to her sister? No, I don't control. You don't control other people. So step one, figure out what can you control. And if you can control it, then you put your energy toward it. If it's a priority to you. Now let's say you can't control, let's say we are talking about your kids and you don't control your, your spouse, any human being, you don't control other human beings. But maybe you can influence them. So, okay, so can you influence something, let's say you can't control it. Can you influence it? Well then that is the question of are you able to inform the decision making? Do you have access to the decision making process so you can inform it in whatever way is appropriate for your context? Everybody's different, professional, social, personal, all that's different. So the way you might inform decision making might differ. But do you have access to the decision making process? Do you have access to the execution process, to the how things are being carried out? And then finally, do you have access to influence the outcome itself? And again, if your answer is yes, well then great. Now you know where you can put your energy and your time. And what I would say is. Energy and time is finite, right? That is why we're talking about all of this, is we can't pour all of our energy, all of our effort into every single thing. We've gotta make choices. And so what I would say is if you're talking at the area of influence, the decision making, the execution, or the outcome, where do you have the greatest leverage? Where do you have the most influence or the greatest access? Is it decision making? Is it execution? Is it outcome? And you can choose to focus your energy on that one particular point so you can have maximum impact where you know you have the greatest amount of leverage. We're talking here about acting strategically, right? About having the greatest impact that we can. And so here it could be if we're talking about my kids, my daughters, um. I, I can influence their decision making, right? I can help inform their decision making by talking about treating one another with respect or, you know, they wanna spend all their money on Robux. So, talking about the importance of financial responsibility in a way that resonates with elementary age children. I can influence their decision making, but I don't control it, right? I can influence their. The execution of their decisions, like how they are trying to do what they're going to do and shape it in a way that is safe and responsible and respectful and loving and generous, right? Sometimes I can influence outcomes, but a lot of times I'm, I can't even as the parent, right? A lot of times the, it's gonna be what it's gonna be and children learn from those outcomes. So I don't always even wanna shield them from a negative outcome if that can be a catalyst for their growth and development. And so can I control it? Yes. No. Alright. That sends you down one road. Can I influence it? If yes, that sends you down one road. If no, whew. My friends, I'm so sorry, but, but now you are invited to the land of acceptance and I know that this is the hardest one. Of them all. And I've tried to, to frame this positively, right, that you are invited to accept the thing, um, but it doesn't feel positive, does it? Because if it's something that you're trying to control or something that you're trying to influence, then probably it's something that matters to you. And in this world that we are living in today, that can feel kind of bleak, very out of control. Our drive to create meaning, our drive to find areas that we can control and to, to bring the world to the best of our abilities back in a direction that aligns with our values. For me to sit here and say, well just accept it. Like I, I understand the emotional heck no, that comes with that. I get it, but it doesn't make it wrong. This is the tough love of the conversation that we're having today, because remember, if you can't control it and you can't influence it, then you have two choices. You can Don Quixote yourself to death trying to change something that you will never change, or you can accept that in this moment, in this context. I am unable to change this thing, and so I am going to put my limited energy and power and influence and time towards something where I can have a positive impact. But to do that, you've gotta accept the reality that's in front of you, and you can say it is wrong, it is immoral, it is bad. You can a hundred percent, you can. Right. You don't have to like it. You just accept it, and I know it sucks. There are lots of things that we wish were different and we can waste a ton of time and energy trying to change something that we will never change. And all that that means is that we will have less energy and less motivation to change the things that we do control and that we can influence. So by trying to change the things or trying to impact the things you can't control and you don't influence, you're just reducing the impact you can have in those areas where you could make a difference. So again. I know, I know. But this world is hard right now, and this world needs women who are behaving strategically to have the maximum impact. So you don't have to like it, but I am telling you, you will have a greater positive impact. You will. So how do you accept the unacceptable? I got a couple of things to share. I'm gonna share first. To always remember that today is not forever. Just because you don't control something or you can't influence something today doesn't mean that you'll never be able to. It could be the case that you just need to play a longer game to put yourself in a position to act, to put yourself in a position where you can influence or where you can control, and that might take patience, which I know does not always come easily. Second, you can remember that you're not the only person in the world. You may not be able to change something, but that doesn't mean that someone else can't change it. Or that it will never change. Third, you can remember that, that you don't see the entire picture. And here I'm not talking about accepting a situation if the situation is actually objectively bad, like if something actually immoral is happening. I'm not talking about that, but. It is also possible that certain situations that you wish could change, that the situation is actually okay and your evaluation is wrong, that you see one piece of it, but you don't see the whole context. Always be humble enough to accept that that is an actual possibility, and then do the due diligence to figure out whether that's the case. And so if you are in one of those situations where you don't control. The situation. And you can't even influence the situation individually or collectively. We didn't talk about this in the influence piece, but as you're asking yourself, can I influence the situation? There is what you can do as one human, and then there is what lots of humans can do together. And we see this, right? This is the power of collective action. And so as you're making that, that filter, can I control it? Can I influence it? Am I invited to accept it? Don't forget that you are not an island, that you work in community and that we can be very, very powerful when we work in community. That doesn't always give us control, but they can give us significant influence. And we have seen this lately in our country, so don't walk away from that. But if you are in a situation where there is no control, there is no influence. Then my friend, you are being invited to accept and take the energy that you wish you could put toward changing whatever the situation is and put it towards something that you can control or influence. Because I'll say it one last time before we wrap. This is a very difficult time for many of us individually, but certainly for all of us collectively. And we need strong women who are laser focused on doing the good, important work that needs to be done. And we don't have the luxury of, of wasting our time and energy. On things that we aren't in a position to change. We can really wish we were in a position to change. But if we're not in a position to change today, then we've got to be strategic enough to put that emotion aside, to put that intention, that desire aside for the moment to focus on the good work that needs to be done. And I would invite you to do that, and I would love to hear from you. Shoot me a dm. I post this podcast all over social media, so drop a comment on one of the posts and let me know as you go through these questions of do I control it? Can I influence it? Am I being invited to accept it? Is this changing how you are approaching your work life? Is it changing how you're approaching your personal life? Let me know. I would love to see how you are dialing in your power, your influence, your control in order to have a far greater impact on the world. Because my sweet friend, we need you to have a great impact on this world. Now, if this episode spoke to you, I would love for you to share it with your friends. We need more women who are leveraging their power and their intellect to have a maximum positive effect on this world. And please don't forget to like and subscribe. And if you could leave a review, I would sincerely really deeply appreciate it. Building those reviews on Spotify and Apple and YouTube really does help a little podcast like mine get some traction and get shown to more women who could benefit from it. You can always grab one of our free resources like Tame Your Inner Critic, the Mental Load reset, the values clarification exercise. All of that is available on the Women Lead Well website, and I'll link'em in the show notes below. Remember, joyful, sustainable, and authentic leadership is possible, and you deserve to enjoy every minute of it. Until next time, I'm Becky Hamm, and this is Joyfully Unstoppable.