51 Seven Tips for Sandwich Generation Leadership

How to Lead in the Sandwich Generation Without Losing Yourself | Joyfully Unstoppable Podcast

What does leadership look like when you are caring for aging parents, raising children, and continuing to grow professionally?

In this episode of the Joyfully Unstoppable podcast, Becky Hamm tackles a challenge so many women navigate: how to stay healthy, grounded, and effective while navigating the realities of the sandwich generation.

Drawing from her own experience and practical leadership insight, Becky shares seven strategies to help you reduce mental load, make stronger decisions, and lead in a way that supports both your life and your work.

This conversation is thoughtful, honest, and grounded in real leadership. If you are balancing competing demands across generations, this episode will meet you right where you are and help you move forward with clarity.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• How to define your core values and use them to guide daily decisions
• A simple way to set priorities that reflect your real life
• How pre-deciding reduces overwhelm and protects your energy
• Why flexibility matters and how to advocate for it at work and at home
• What it means to take care of yourself as the “talent” in your life
• Practical ways to access support for elder care in your community
• Key conversations and preparations that protect your family long term

Share this episode with another woman navigating the sandwich generation and subscribe so you never miss an episode.

#sandwichgeneration #womenwholead #podcastforwomen #leadershipdevelopment #womenleaders #sustainableleadership #workingmomlife #caregiving #leadershippodcast #joyfullyunstoppable

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Transcript

0:05

Welcome to Joyfully Unstoppable, the podcast for women who are ready to succeed. Without the stress, whether you are leading a team, a classroom, a boardroom, or your own big, beautiful life, I am so glad you found us. I'm your host, Becky Hamm, leadership coach, speaker and founder of Women Lead. Well join me each week for straight Talk, practical tips and a dash of encouragement. Hello, friend. I hope you are having a great day. Today we are gonna be answering a question sent in by a follower, and I don't have permission to share her name so I won't, but she asked the following question, how do leaders in the sandwich generation who are caring for both parents and kids, how do we continue to stay healthy and achieve our professional goals? And as someone who had to drop everything a couple of weeks ago because my dad fell. Uh, and then after making sure that he was okay and he is like, punchline, my dad is absolutely fine. But then pivot to decorate the lobby of my kids' school for Boosterthon before cleaning the house for a play date while managing my clients and my business, and a big work event last week. I am feeling this question in my bones right now. Especially because we are three weeks before the end of the school year and my little kids are gonna be home for nearly an entire quarter. Right? Two and a half months before they go back and look. You guys know I my. Drive, my essence, my being. It's not a goal. It is like ingrained into me To be practical and my MO is to give you guys a set of things that you can do to address common leadership challenges that women face. And I did a ton of research on this in the time since the woman, well, one, I've been thinking about this anyway because I am in that sandwich generation and you guys have heard me mention that before, but when that woman said that question in, I was like, amen, we are gonna do this episode. Yes. I deep dove into the interwebs looking for research that could be valuable. And I gotta tell you, I just was not impressed by what I found. I did not find a lot that I felt was meaningful. There was a lot of cheap, a lot of trite, a lot of. Um, you know, like pat you on the back level of superficiality, but not at the depth that I'm used to seeing when it comes to leadership challenges. And so a little bit, today's episode is gonna be me sharing what I have found that works from my perspective. So I'm gonna try to stay practical because that is me. But what I would say is for any of you listening, if that is also you, if you are in this sandwich generation and you have found something that works well for you or also true and important, if you have found something that is just a nightmare for you, please DM me. I'm at@womenleadwell across all the social platforms and there is an@womenleadwell on LinkedIn, but you can also find my personal LinkedIn at Rebecca Johnson Hamm. I've got that maiden name in there too, because. I got married in my forties and a lot of people know me by my maiden name, but if you have any tips, please reach out. What I'll do is I'll compile everything that comes in, and then I will kick it out through social media and if there's enough energy behind this. If you all have enough questions or recommendations or something that's really practical, maybe we do a follow on episode because again. We will not be successful professionally. We will not be fulfilled personally if we feel like our hair is on fire and if the candle is getting burned at both ends and the middle. It is, I believe, I'm not speaking for anyone else, but for me, I believe it is a privilege. It is a joy. It is a true gift to be able to walk with my parents on this part of their journey. And we live in the same town, and that makes it a whole lot easier than for folks back when they, they used to live in Texas before they moved to Virginia, and so I am so grateful to be in the sandwich generation and to have both living parents in their mid eighties. And young children at home, but it ain't easy, you know? And so let's help each other out if we can. So DM me any of your thoughts, any recommendations, any additional questions that you have, and let's have this conversation. And so here I wanna say I came up with seven. Let me look at my list. Yes. Seven things to think about if you are in that sandwich generation to help you stay healthy and grounded and whole, while also caregiving to your parents or an older generation, and then your children or this younger generation. And the first one, it's gonna sound like Becky, you always say this and I do. But it is so important and has been life changing for me personally. So I'm gonna shout it from the rooftops every chance I get when I think it makes sense, and I think it makes sense here. So tip number one that I would share is to get crystal clear on your core values. I've said it before, and I'm gonna say it again. Once you know what matters most to you, what your unique core values are, what you actually value more than anything else, not what you should value more than anything else, but what you actually do value more than anything else, all of your decisions become easier. And I wanna be clear about this. No shoulds, only is. And I wanna be clear about this, what matters most to you, your core values today, in this season of your life? Your core values in your twenties and thirties. Are probably different, maybe not all four or five of them, but a couple of, at least a couple of them are gonna be different in this season of your life. And that is normal, that's expected. And so if you haven't revisited your core values in the last year or two, I would strongly encourage you to do that. I've got a free download, a values clarification exercise that you can find at womenleadwell.net/resources. I'll link it in the show notes below. It's always there. What that will do is ask you a series of questions to get clear on those core values, and then there's an exercise to say, okay, now you know what those 3, 4, 5 core values are. You don't have a dozen. You got like three, four or five. Three or four. I'm gonna say, don't even go for the five. But once you've identified what those core values are, then there's an exercise in the download that says, okay, so how can you live more fully into those values in your life? And you can do that regardless of sandwich generation or not. But the pressure that we live under when we are trying to grow professionally and personally ourselves. And to layer onto that, you know, my, the change in my body through perimenopause, the hormonal change, the kind of mental and emotional, but just the physical change that I have experienced moving into my fifties is insane. And the renegotiation with myself that I've had to do just to stay functioning, let alone feel, Fulfilled and and have the energy that I used to have and the bandwidth that I used to have, and just the grasp of the English language, the finding the words that work that I used to have. It's a whole different level. And so when you add caregiving at both ends of the generational spectrum and your're in prime, professionally continued professional growth, it is just a whole lot. So get clear on those core values. Why? Because of tip number two. Those core values are gonna tell you what your priorities are, both your professional and your personal priorities. And so just to give an example, my core values, I've got family, I've got freedom, I've got harmony. And I've got service. Those are the things that matter most to me. And they have guided a big decisions in my life that I have made, and those decisions have been easier for me because I was easily able to see which choices aligned with my values and which choices didn't. And so once I knew my values, I could prioritize. What was worthy of my energy and worthy of my time. And so I would say get clear on those values. Let those values inform your priorities and be disciplined. Then as you are navigating your day with your energy and your time and as you're planning for the next week or the month, or as I'm looking now at summer vacation, my kids are young, they're elementary school, so that makes it a lot easier in the sense that I'm not dealing with teenager problems yet. That's ahead of me right now. But they're a lot less independent than teenagers would be, and so I really have to pay attention to how I'm gonna manage my time and keep them safe and keep them engaged and, and take care of them over the summer months. And we have a plan in place. I'm not worried about it, but it's like a whole thing that we have to take care of. And so that priority of. For me, I'm not speaking for anyone else, but for me that priority of, I am gonna make sure that my kids have an enjoyable summer, that they stay safe, obviously. But not only that they stay safe, that they're gonna continue to grow and they're gonna have time to explore, and I'm gonna curate some experiences for them that could become core memories because that is a priority to me. And that means that my professional schedule, how I show up with my coaching clients, I will show up fully for my coaching clients, but my hours of availability are probably gonna change. And so the number of new clients that I'm gonna be willing to take on board over the summer. I'm probably gonna throttle back a little bit, not because I don't love the coaching and not because I'm not committed professionally, but for me, as I prioritize with my kids at this stage in their life, being younger and needing more attention, it's a different choice that I'm making today than I'm gonna make in another 5, 6, 7 years. Right? And so for you, you've got those values and you figure out how those values feed your priorities and what your willing. Are available for and what you just aren't willing and available for in this moment. And then the third tip that I would offer, and these are all kind of, this could be like one big tip, I'm just breaking it up for the conversation here, is once you've got those priorities, use them to pre decide. And again, I am only speaking for me, but I have found that one of the most challenging elements of this sandwich generation. Is the mental load that my brain is holding space for my parents, space, for my career, space for my children, space for my husband. I'm active in the church, so space for our congregation and the needs of our congregation and any one piece of it ain't hard. Any one piece of it. The, the grief of my parents aging is painful. But it is also so natural. It is a natural part of life. What is difficult for me is the all of it together, and so I have predecided some things that align with my values and my priorities so that I just take the mental bandwidth out of it. And I'll give you two examples that deal with my kids, not my parents. The first is, I decided several years ago. That I would always show up for my kids if they had something at school or if they're sick and need a parent to stay home. That, that I'm the gal, like I'm doing that and I wanna be clear. I'm not begrudging any, any women who make different decisions. I'm only speaking for me and what is true for me in my life and my values and my priorities. I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone else who has different values and priorities. You live your life. I will live my life. But for me in my life, I had both those kids in my forties and I did it'cause I really freaking wanted them. And so I show up for them and that means that I have now that we're, we've got three weeks till till school is out and all the end of year parties are popping up and this stinking boosterthon and, uh, field trips and, and all teacher appreciation. All of the things are happening right now. And I have had to move some work events around to accommodate that schedule. Okay? I'm willing to do that. I have predecided that if there is an event for my child and it is physically possible for me to be there, that I'm gonna be there. Now as they get a little bit older, I'll have a conversation with them about whether they really want me there. And if they say, no, mom, I couldn't care less. If you come to the end of year class party, well then I might make a different decision. But for today and this season, that is the decision that I have already made. And so when all of those moments pop up, I'm not wasting an ounce of energy thinking about it. I'm just executing the decision that I've already made. Another decision that I've pre-decided is while the kids are young, I'm limiting my travel. And so that's not to say that I never travel, I do, but not nearly as much as I used to and not nearly as much as I could. In my current role. I could be doing a lot of travel and a lot of speaking events, and those can be lucrative. But it's important for me that I'm here when my kids wake up in the morning, that I'm here when my kids go to sleep at night, that I'm here for all those little moments in between that I can be, and again, I might renegotiate that in a few years. I might not, I don't know. I'm not there yet, but for now, the decision has been made and that makes the individual moments that I face a whole lot easier to navigate. So clarify those values. Clarify your priorities on the basis of your values, and then figure out what decisions can you just make today? What like rules can you put in place today so when things pop up, you already have it predecided and you're not agonizing over the what ifs and maybe sos and what you're just not gonna worry about it. Then you just execute. Okay, tip number four. Is to ask for and offer flexibility, and I mean that both at work and with your family. So let's start with work then. Let's talk about your family. And again, I'll give an example from my own life. Our girls go to a private school and there is a chapel service every Wednesday morning. And so back before I founded Women Lead, well back when I was still working, um, for different organizations, I asked four different bosses. I said, Hey, look. My kids are really important to me and I really wanna be able to go to chapel with them on Wednesday mornings'cause parents can attend. It is important to me that I be able to do that if possible. Are you open to my going to chapel in the morning and then I would telework the rest of the day?'cause it doesn't make sense to, to drive into the office at that point if I get all of my work done. And obviously if there is an event or if there's a meeting or if there's something that you need me at, obviously I will be there and not go to chapel that day, but can we make this work? Four different bosses I had that conversation with and I did not go in asking permission. Would it be okay if I went in and said, this is important to me. Can we make it work? This is what I want. Can we get to Yes. And four out of four bosses said, absolutely we can. Yes, of course. Why did they say that? One? Because I had a really impressive track record of getting it done. Two, they didn't wanna have to backfill if they said no to me, and I got frustrated and I meant it. It was important to me if any of those bosses had said no. I would've left my job a whole lot faster. I didn't threaten that. Don't threaten that. But that was, that was simply true for me. And they're not dumb like they, that my bosses knew that my family actually was important to me and that, that if I, if they told me no, that um, or if we weren't able to find a way for it to work out, then I would probably. Uh, not appreciate that. Right? Doesn't take a rocket scientist. And so here's what I would say to you. If there is something that is connected to a core value, related to a priority, maybe it's something that you've pre-decided. Maybe it's not, it's just something that is really important to you. Have that conversation with your leadership and see if you can work it out. You are not asking permission. You're telling them what matters to you, and you are collaboratively finding a solution that meets their needs and meets your needs. And I would say if you're listening to this podcast and you're in that sandwich generation, I've got a hunch that you probably have a team that reports to you. I would, in the strongest possible terms, encourage you to offer that same flexibility to your team. They might have family obligations too, or other pri it might not be family, it might be educational growth. They're in, uh, enrolled in a, an educational program to get some kind of professional development, whatever, when they come to you looking for the flexibility to support their priorities and their values, to the extent that you can support that one, because it costs a lot of money to backfill people, to hire and to train and get them spun up. It's a lot cheaper to retain. And so if you can offer that flexibility, you're saving your organization money and you're saving yourself time and a headache of conducting that search and getting them spun up and all the other people in the organization, all the other people in your section of the organization are gonna see you investing in your people, empowering them and supporting them. And the impact that that has on productivity is incredibly well documented with research. So there might not be a ton of research on the sandwich generation, but there is a ton of research that shows that when you provide that flexibility and support, when you empower your people in that way, when you get a significant positive return. So that's with your team and your boss professionally. But I'm gonna say. Ask for and, and be willing to offer that flexibility within your family. You can have conversations with your kids and your parents about their core values and priorities. You can share your own core values and priorities, and on the basis of that conversation, you can figure out. What really needs to happen here for me to be present for and supporting my parents and for me to be present for and supporting my kids. Right? And again, my kids are kind of young for that con, I mean, I have that conversation with them, but still, I feel like it's gonna be a different conversation in a few years when they're teenagers. But you might be surprised at what is most important to your kids and your parents. In this season of their life and what that means for you and your caregiving responsibilities, it is not inconceivable that you have been putting pressure on yourself that they don't want you to, that they, that that isn't providing a meaningful return for them. But when you sit down with them and you have that conversation about priorities and values on all sides, then you can work together to figure out how to handle different situations. And that in and of itself can relieve or alleviate a significant amount of stress. Tip number five, I want you to remember that you are the talent. What do I mean by that? I mean Beyonce walks in to any environment and she gets taken care of. Right. She gets the food that she wants to eat. She gets the quiet. When she wants quiet. She gets the amount of time for physical activity that she expects to have or wants to have. She gets the medical support that she needs. She's the talent and the talent gets taken care of. Your sleep and nutrition and physical exercise and mental stimulation, and all of nervous system regulation. All of that is key to your longevity. And I've talked about the Eisenhower Matrix before on this podcast. The important tasks and the urgent tasks, and we tend to focus on the urgent over the important, well, I'm gonna say we tend to downplay our own needs to focus on the important and urgent needs of our kids and our parents, the important and urgent needs of our boss and our team. But we have to meet our own needs to be able to meet the needs of others in any sustainable way. You are the talent. You get taken care of. And now this is one of those things that, you know, as I was doing the research, I'm like, oh, this is so cheap. I feel like this is one of those, oh, that's so cheap to say that, Becky, like, come on, like be real. So let me talk about how you might be able to carry that out in your particular life. Maybe that means telling your partner or your friends. What it is you need? Is it a night off? Is it every Saturday off? Is it for your partner to take bath and bedtime? Or is it for your partner to take so and so to soccer practice, whatever. Maybe it's doing something today to make future use life a little bit easier. And so maybe it's prepping some meals or maybe it's paying for a service for the next year so you don't have to remember to pay it every month or setting up the auto pay, whatever it is. Today you takes care of future you, maybe it's earmarking a part of your budget just for conveniences. you have a budget for DoorDash, or maybe you have in your budget money for a meal kit or a pedicure laundry service, whatever. Whatever makes you happy and you put some money into that pot every paycheck, so you can push the easy button when you need it to make a problem go away. And on that note, here's tip number six. Is to remember that there are organizations probably in your community depending on where you live, but most probably there are organizations in your community that focus on elder care. Where I live, we have a, an organization called Healthy Generations. It's a 5 0 1 C3, and it helps seniors navigate. Insurance questions'cause Medicare ain't easy to understand. It helps seniors arrange transportation if they need that to get to doctor's appointments. So it's not me driving my parents it, they have a, a senior cafe, which is just a, a. An opportunity for seniors in the community to come together and have conversation and hang out during the day. And so if I've got to be somewhere and senior Cafe is open, my parents could go there and. Be taken care of for the time that I'm off doing whatever I need to do. It has legal assistance, it's got referrals for in-home care, if that's something that could be helpful. And so again, I'm not gonna, you make the best decisions for your own life, but wherever you look, I would just search senior, your care, nonprofit, and then your town name or your county name, and see what comes up. It might be able to provide support to your parent. That then frees up bandwidth for you, for the other areas of your life. And now this final tip, um, number seven. I know it's not the fun one. I mean, none of this really is fun, but man, is this important. And let me be super clear. I ain't given anyone legal advice. I'm not a lawyer, I'm not trained. But I am gonna say, um, to please, to the extent that you can. Make sure your parents have updated wills with clear medical directives and power of attorney laid out. Make sure that you know your rights, what rights you have in their medical decisions, and that you've got copies of everything, all the relevant paperwork that you might need somewhere easily accessible so that you can grab'em quickly if you need to. And my sweet friend. If we're talking about you being in the sandwich, that means you also have kids. And so that means to make sure that you yourself have your own will and your own medical directive and your own power of attorney laid out. Because if god forbid, tragedy were to strike and. And something were to happen to you. Your kids deserve to have legally binding documents that protect them in that situation. Now I provide no advice on who to turn to or what to do. All I'm saying is if your parents' legal situation is not an order, that would be a very helpful thing for you to get clarified If your own legal situation is not in order, that would be a very helpful thing for you to get clarified. And when you add all of this together from your values to your priorities, to pre-deciding to asking for that flexibility both at work and with your family, getting clear on their values and priorities and moving through the different tips that we talked about today, none of it reduces the stress of caring for aging parents while raising kids and excelling professionally. It is just a lot. It just is. But I'm hopeful that these suggestions can help reduce your mental load, ease your decision making, share the responsibilities and burdens of the work, and help to make this period a little bit more sustainable. Again, I will only speak for myself, but it is such a gift to be present with my parents as they walk this final mile of their lives. I hope we have another decade doing it together. So again, speaking only for me, sustainability is really important and again. Please share your own suggestions, recommendations, insights into how you are navigating this period. If you're in that sandwich generation, women lead well across all socials. I'll collect your ideas and I'll share them so we can help each other out. And I hope you'll join me next week when we're gonna be talking about failure and what motivates you to get back up when you fall. If you've ever struggled with a fixed mindset or beating yourself up when things don't go your way, you won't wanna miss it. Okay, now, if today's episode spoke to you, I would love for you to share it with a friend. We need more women leading from alignment, not adrenaline. And if you haven't already, make sure to like this episode and subscribe so you don't miss next week's drop. And last thing, if you haven't signed up for my weekly newsletter. What are you waiting for? That's where I go into greater depth than what I'm able to provide in this podcast. You can joint at womenleadwell.net/newsletter. Remember, joyful, sustainable, and authentic leadership is possible and you deserve to enjoy every minute of it. Until next time, I'm Becky Hamm and this is Joyfully Unstoppable.